Hope in the Waiting

These days I wake up feeling the anticipation as if it was Christmas morning.

I thought about titling this “grace in the waiting”, but let’s be honest, I do not at all feel confident that I am great at the graceful thing. 😀

For me, I have found the waiting to be both extreme highs and lows. But in the last weeks, as I have felt the anticipation of the promise fulfilled, it feels like Christmas morning.

Redemption is coming. It is nigh, it is near. I have felt it arrive in my soul although I have not yet seen it with my physical eyes. In some ways it’s frustrating, caught in the waiting. BUT at the same time, there is such power in the hope of seeing it come to pass before your very eyes.

That’s really all I wanted to say tonight: don’t lose hope in the struggle or in the waiting. It WILL come to pass.

I know there are so often people who do not see or understand the battle or the work of God, or believe that He has spoken. But friend, when God speaks it is a promise that WILL come to pass because God CANNOT LIE and He IS faithful. So do not allow fear or discouragement or confusion to cloud the truth that your Father reveals. What He has spoken, will surely be done. So wait in hope with faith that what you see and know with your spiritual eyes will also be done here on Earth, according to His will. Hold on. Redemption is coming.

Our pastor read Romans 8:18-22 this morning, and I’m going to share parts of it here because it is absolutely so beautiful if you are in the season of waiting: “…the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us… creation waits with eager longing… the whole creation has been groaning…”

You see here, that God’s Word does not brush aside the fact that struggle and waiting comes with SUFFERING. It’s hard. It hurts. Life weighs down mighty heavily sometimes. But God’s Word also promises that the revealing of the promise will be filled with GLORY. So keep your hope, dear one. Redemption is coming. And there will be glory on that day of revealing.

So… here I am, still waiting to see redemption but knowing in my heart that it is here, it is coming. There is such hope in knowing that God’s promise will surely be seen and will arrive with absolute glory.

Tonight, I pray a little blessing on all of you caught in the waiting – whether it be the struggle or the anticipation or whatever stage it be, may you have assurance of God’s faithfulness and be filled with hope. May you never lose the anticipation of Christmas morning. 🙂

Much love always, ~S

Shame

Admittedly, this was not at all the topic I was planning to write about first after my hiatus. Also, as I realized in a conversation with a random friend this summer, sharing writings from the past rather than immediate present is a way to sometimes protect myself from being too vulnerable with a lot of people I don’t necessarily trust (this is public, after all, and very few of my readers spend much time next to me in real life). However, this post has been heavy on my heart all week and you really shouldn’t quench the spirit so… here you are. Perhaps someone today needs to hear this.:)

Where to begin? It’s hard to know. Hard to describe how I ended up in the moment I’m going to write about. But very long story short, it’s been A SUMMER. I have spent most of it engaged in more spiritual warfare than I’ve seen for several years. The level of war on the front where there is constant bombing, day and night, shells whistling overhead, and the only reason you think you’re still alive is because of the trench you’ve been living in for the last weeks and counting. That sort of war. The kind of war you don’t find yourself in by accident. I knew from the minute I saw the battlefield ahead of me, the minefield that would be waiting for any false step. And probably the only reason I didn’t turn tail and run for the hills is because I’m stubborn. [lol] So I determined I was in for the win, flung myself facedown into that trench, started taking out the opposition one by one, and dug in my heels to wait out the enemy… Because I knew the victory would be worth the war.

What, you may ask, does describing a fight have to do with the topic of shame? Well, because I don’t want to gloss over the ugliness and casualties of warfare. War isn’t easy, and it isn’t fun. I don’t yet consider myself an experienced soldier, but I would assume those who are know what I’m talking about when I say that after a while the battlefield takes a toll on you. And there I was, exhausted. Worn out. Knowing I was weak and vulnerable to the attack of the devil, but too tired to defend myself. Helpless to do anything but watch him come at me personally and get me to knowingly sin against my God and disobey His principles.

And now what? I knew exactly what was going on. The devil is wily and never plays fair. I knew that because of God’s protection of my physical life and his inability to take me out that way, he resorted to waiting until I was completely worn out on the battlefield to attack me on a personal level.

So now what? I was caught in the strange dilemma of feeling unworthy to be one of God’s soldiers out on the front when my own heart was not right before my God. But at the same time, I recognized that it was exactly just one more tactic deployed by the enemy to take me out of the fight and I didn’t want to give him that satisfaction. I didn’t know what to do. The feeling of shame wanted me to desert the battlefield and leave that war to better, more “worthy” soldiers. But I knew that it was a fight God had me involved in for a reason, and that it was a mission He had given me to see through.

I knew I needed to deal with this quickly. I was needed on the frontlines. I knew the problem was not the actual sin – repentance was the easy part – but the fact that my heart needed fixing. Making things right in a physical sense isn’t always fun but it’s doable on your own. However, I needed a pure heart before God, and that wasn’t something I could fix myself. I needed God to do His work and change my heart. All while feeling that perhaps I didn’t deserve to even enter His presence as I knew I needed to… But here I was, supposed to be headed to a fun weekend with friends, with all this otherworldly stuff going on and me utterly weary from the weeks of fighting. And I’m an introvert, so how was I going to get any less exhausted from being with people for the next 3 days? [haha] So I messaged a close friend quickly explaining what was happening and my dilemma, asking for prayers. Her response was that God said He would grant me rest and recharge me. [TBH, I almost had to laugh at the recharge thing because I wasn’t quite sure how that would happen with all the human bodies around, but I just had to embrace it with blind trust.] So off I went, with a sort of desperate faith God would meet me in my hour of need.

That night, we all headed up to the top of the mountain to “stargaze”. [Honestly, I wonder sometimes if we just like risking facing a wildcat at 1 AM but hey, that could just be the adventure talking.] And I could easily muse about how I fall more in love with the beauty of WV every time I’m there, or how hiking a strange mountain alone after dark is one of my favorite activities, or how we shivered and froze down to our bones while braving the elements till way past midnight… but what a long bunny trail that would be. 🙂

The point being, as I stood on top of a mountain and gazed out into the expanse of a pitch black night, I experienced something completely unexpected. Usually this is where you mention how beautiful the stars were and how God is really cool and makes cool stuff. But I’d already thought of that and I knew that wasn’t what my heart needed to see… Instead, I was struck by the holiness of my God. And immediately, I felt the shift in my soul as my heart was cleansed.

It shocked me, really. Because when you’re struggling with shame or guilt, the last thing you really want to face is whoever you’ve let down. And you often carry the feeling that seeing holiness/righteousness will only amplify your mistakes and add to your sense of judgement.

But somehow, coming face to face with God’s holiness is exactly what healed my heart.

And yes, He did completely recharge me and restore me, and I left that mountain refreshed and ready to pick up my sword again and storm the last stronghold on those front lines of the battlefield I’ve been on all summer.

[And for those asking, yes, it was a fabulous weekend, although admittedly I spent way more hours freezing to death than I normally prefer. But still, the food + people + adventures = worth it.]

>>>

I’ve thought a lot about what God taught me in that mountaintop encounter, and what I’ve learned this summer.

1) Sometimes even when we know what is wrong, we don’t know how to fix it: but God, as the Creator, knows what we need better than we ever can grasp.

2) The active prayer of a close friend is more powerful than you’d ever guess. Notice I say active, and close. Skip the cliche “I’m praying for you” from every nosy church benchwarmer. I’m talking the friend who knows and sees your heart, and is willing to go to war for you and willing to “hold up your arms” when the battle has stretched on all day and you’re too weary to continue. Keep those friends close, return the favor, and don’t let anything stop you from asking for their prayers.

3) Don’t be naive when engaging in spiritual warfare. This is something I already knew before this summer, but I’ve been reminded on a sometimes-hourly basis just how desperate the devil gets when you start storming “his” territory. It’s NOT his, because as believers WE ALREADY HAVE the victory through the name of JESUS. But when you start messing in a place he’s felt pretty settled in, you better be ready for an attack every which way. Temptation, physical harm, discouragement, you name it – you will be hit from all sides and underneath, when and where you least expect it. Get ready to fast and pray, and don’t forget to pray protection over yourself and ask it from others, as you go out to battle.

4) Why is active spiritual warfare not a more regular part of our lives as believers? I’m reaching the conclusion that as a mature believer, it should be. Future blog post coming on this, but there’s the question to start your mind thinking…

5) Sometimes, even as believers, there are strongholds that need to be torn down. I think we often like to think that “because I’m a Christian, the devil has no power over me”. In other words, we are lulled into a sleeper mode as we don’t see any demonic or spiritual activity going on. Ok, TRUE that we are victors with Jesus on the throne. BUT the devil is out to kill, steal, and destroy anything he can get his hands on, AND he is the master of lies! So if he can steal your power as a soldier of God and then blind you to it by deception or disguising it as some “physical” issue or “random” happening, he will do it. Remember he doesn’t play fair. Why would he, when he knows he’s on the losing side? … So don’t be afraid to do some hard digging in your own life or in the life of a fellow believer. If you shine the light on an area that needs healing or on a stronghold that needs to come down, glory to God! It’s one more step in the journey of sanctification and being made whole and becoming more fully like Christ.

6) Pursue being filled with the Spirit more every day. The Holy Spirit is what breathes life into the Scriptures, and along with the Word of God it illuminates the lies that the devil leads us to believe. Pray for wisdom and guidance as you learn to tune into what the Spirit is saying and doing. It is truly life-changing in its ability to reveal and uncover previously unseen things!

… There is always more I could say, but I think I’ll leave it at that for now. I’m getting tired. 🙂

>>>>>

There are several reasons I wanted to share this.

I think sometimes, especially with those of us who have been Christians for a number of years, it can be easy to feel shame when we’ve sinned. (really, I think there’s only two options: shame or disregard) I mean, we should have this down by now, right? The slander, lying, gluttony, lust, pride, whatever it may be – Why do we let down God after so many years of His patience and love? But darling, we are human. We are all human. And humanity comes with fallibility – that is why we are in need of a supernatural God. Anyway, so we will mess up. And afterwards, repentance is vital. But never, ever wallow in shame. A very respected woman in the faith once taught me that shame is only one more tactic of the devil to prevent us from a restored relationship with God. So if you are struggling or disappointed with yourself, this is for you tonight. Kick shame to the curb and instead, meet God and allow your heart to be restored when it comes before its holy Maker.

If there’s anyone here struggling with addiction or any type of coping mechanisms and perhaps you’re discouraged because you lost your freedom streak… this is for you. Yeah, I get it, sucks to lose those 30+ counting days. Been there, done that. But every day is a day to choose victory, and a day of hope. Also, someone once told me that stumbling every few weeks or months rather than days can still be counted as progress when you’re on a journey of freedom. So keep your chin up, darling. God is on your side and you’re a winner.

I’m also here to send a little exhortation to those who are on the opposite side of the coin – maybe you just really want to shake some sense into someone and point out what they’re doing wrong or how wrong choices will end with consequences. Perhaps, rather than pointing the holier-than-thou fingers, try letting them encounter the holiness of their God. Pray with true love that God would meet them, that they would have an encounter where they would see the face of God. And just show them grace, the same grace that you have received and experienced from our gracious Father.

Grace.

Isn’t that what it’s all about? A grace that forges a bridge between fallen man and a Holy God.

Shame does not belong on the face of a child of the King. Leave behind the lies and shame and deception and self-loathing that says anything less than the truth about who you really are: Redeemed. Chosen. Set Apart. Beloved. Child of God.

Embrace grace.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Well, I have a cup of tea to get to yet tonight. I hope that this little message speaks grace over your heart. And if you ever need someone to seek grace with or pray it over you, I’m here. I love hearing from my readers, and it is an honor to join friends in seeking the Father’s presence.

Much love,

~S

Follow-up on my Lack of Political Alignment with the Pro-Lifers

I find it highly fascinating that I need to have a follow-up to my last post. About half my feedback was “yes and amen” and the other half was like “what on earth are you saying”… Despite my analysis, I have yet to figure out why I seemed to communicate well to half the audience while I completely missed the other half… So here I am. Again. Hi. Welcome back to this second episode of let’s light the Christian community on fire. 🙂

Disclaimer 101: my intent was not to say that I love abortion or wish that it happened more. (I’m still scratching my head a little over how that assumption happened from what I said. I mean, I get it but yet I don’t. Thank you to those of you who asked me for clarification. I appreciate it.)

Disclaimer 102: my intent was not to say that I believe all political sway is wrong (several of my closest heart-friends vote, and I may someday in the future) …but rather that a law doesn’t address the heart of the matter. And I see a lot of Christians taking a political pro-life stance as an easy out which I think is totally hypocritical and not what Jesus has actually called us to do.

Declaration 101: my intent was to say that if, as a Christian, you truly want to “save the babies”… saving them from a physical death isn’t necessarily an amazing victory to be applauded for, when you aren’t putting in the work to also save their souls from death at a later date.

Declaration 102: my intent was to say that as Christians, why do we think it’s so cool to point fingers and say “you are wrong to kill your baby” before pointing the finger at our own self and say “you are wrong for not obeying THE COMMAND OF JESUS OUR LORD to care for the orphan and fatherless”? … ? … ?
[I mean really. Can we expect the world to follow an example when we ain’t following the example ourselves?]

Declaration 103: my intent was to say that if we truly want to see change happen in our country, it starts with us. And it’s going to take hard work, a daily sacrifice, and more than carrying a sign every now and then.

Basically, I just wanted to say it’s time that we as a church take responsibility and stop letting ourselves off the hook and stop kidding ourselves with a false sense of pride because we voted Conservative or carried a sign one Saturday.

That’s all.

Does it make you incredibly uncomfortable to know you aren’t being applauded for voting red? (or for identifying as red even if you claim it’s wrong to vote. HA. I see y’all) Does it hurt?

Maybe it should.

The Anabaptist church (in general) has become so self-centered, politically obsessed, lazy, and unwilling/unable to serve the world they claim to wish to be a light in.

There, I said it.

[Go ahead, start the dumpster fires, good luck in finding my current location for assassination;)]

It’s time for us as a church of God to get off our butts which are highly settled on various soap boxes, and get to work in the streets and in the gutters.

Maybe instead of just spraying Clorox everywhere (which is highly toxic, BTW), we start lugging around buckets of simple soap and water and start scrubbing on our hands and knees.

That’s all I wanted to say, really.

… And to those of you who have quietly shown me how to scrub the floor by hand, much love. Keep changing the world one minute at a time. ❤

~Just Me

P.S. in case anyone is wondering why I lost my desire not to step on anyone’s toes, it’s because I’ve had way too little sleep the past week and dealt with one too many *mischievous [that’s a cute way to say it, right] toddlers today who want to slap, poke, scratch cars, turn on water faucets, steal each others’ shoes, and run out the gate… [and yes, we’ve currently unashamedly locked ourselves in the office for a moment of peace]

PRAISE THE LORD, IT IS FRIDAY.

Tomorrow, I will scrub my own floor and then drink coffee and eat meat. Saturday is my personal Sabbath and honestly if you don’t have a Sabbath you really need to create one. 🙂

P.P.S. I do actually have the more positive and “encouraging” side of things to say yet for those of you who need it. That will be coming; I won’t leave you helplessly discouraged. I just feel like sometimes we Christians need to stop having our backs patted and hear the hard truth first. (:

Why I Don’t Politically Identify as Pro-Life… and I’m a Christian

I wonder how many of you stopped reading after the title. Or perhaps you’re rubbing your eyes and just figure you read it wrong… No, that’s really what I said.

Abortion is a topic I’ve felt strongly about for at least the past 5 years; I’ve wanted to write about it for the last 3. However, even though my heart felt strongly settled in my convictions, I wanted to bolster my convictions with experience/practice before I opened my mouth to speak.

I spent my junior internship at a pro-life pregnancy center, and am now spending my senior internship in Kenya for 3 months at a children’s home. For any Christian wishing to speak out on this highly sensitive and emotionally-charged topic, I highly encourage “getting your hands dirty” in the thick of things for a good length of time before getting on your soap box. You learn a lot, in the trenches. 🙂 And if you’re willing, I’d like to share some of what I learned in the last year.

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Lesson 1: Remove the beam from your own eye.

I’ve always been deeply bothered by the movements to parade outside of Planned Parenthoods with “Baby Murderer!!” signs. I know multiple people who do this as a mission, and I love them dearly, but I have never supported such a “mission”. I wouldn’t have always even exactly known all my reasons why. But one of my greatest Biblical reasons for that today is because of what Jesus taught about heart intentions. He told us that anger and lust only within our hearts, are the same sins against Him as the actual deeds. The actual deeds bring greater consequences, of course, but my Holy and Righteous God will judge my secret wandering lustful eyes even if I never actually cheat on my husband… And this is why I could never in good conscience call a female going for an abortion such an awful name as a “baby murderer”. If you wish to point a finger her way, you might as well point one at me and call me a “man-murderer”. There are at least 3 boys in the history of my life so far that I hated so much I wished them dead. And I mean that, literally. I distinctly remember thinking “ugh, I wish you would die!!!“. So… go ahead, judge me.

[Did you know that there are multiple Christian women who have had abortions? Hearing the way we Christians condemn abortion can keep them carrying the heavy burden of guilt and shame secretly for far too long. Why do we not instead cry out about the hope and forgiveness offered by our merciful God who washed me clean from a very dark sinful life and offered me a new beginning?]

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Lesson 2: Making abortion illegal doesn’t stop it.

As mentioned earlier, I’m now in Kenya. I confirmed just this week that yes, abortion is illegal in this country. You even get thrown into prison if you’re caught. However, in my co-intern’s own words: “Abortion still happens. In our universities, it is becoming so normal. Some girls have 10 or 12 abortions already.”

[So… remind me again why we care so much about making abortion illegal, that we want a president who says women ought to be grabbed by their body parts?]

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Lesson 3: Not all abortions are done knowingly.

By this I mean that: just as we all can be ignorantly rude or selfish or prideful, there are people who make the choice to have an abortion without realizing they’re killing an actual baby. Those of us who genuinely want to be good human beings and become more like Christ every day, appreciate being told when ugliness is showing itself in our life. But how do we point out those things – is it in kindness and a spirit of humility and love?

I remember the moment last summer when it just hit me in the gut, hard, like a sucker punch: imagine if you never grew up believing in life beginning at conception. How would you ever think there to be anything wrong with abortion? For those of us who grew up being indoctrinated with Creationism and life at conception, that concept is hard to accept. But imagine if you were raised in completely the opposite setting: evolution and (“life beginning at the start of your life” lol).

I researched the history of abortion last year. I discovered that for most of history, the majority of Christians accepted abortion until after the 2nd trimester when the baby started moving – without modern technology such as ultrasounds, the entire world assumed the baby was not alive until that point. I was dumbfounded. (Even Christians??!! But yet, who can blame them? Our medical knowledge today is so beyond what most of history could have ever guessed it would become!!)

Also… just a note here… even Christians today participate in unknowing abortions. As a female, I’ve heard plenty of girls talking about acceptable birth control methods as they enter marriage. Imagine my surprise when I learned that one of the common methods, the IUD, actually causes abortion (despite the multiple doctor recommendations they share of it not doing so). You know why? Because it prevents the zygote from implanting in the uterus. So if we actually believe that life begins at conception, that means the zygote is already alive which means preventing the zygote from finding a home and being pushed out the body before that ever happens – is abortion.
[For any and all education needs, I’m here for ya. I got full coverage on birth control and STD’s and all that fun stuff in multiple classes in university so if anybody needs help, I’m your girl].

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Lesson 4: “saving the baby” isn’t a praise in of itself.

It breaks my heart to think of all the babies who die. I love babies. I get really bad baby fever sometimes (just ask the people closest to me lollll). BUT all those millions and billions of babies who went straight to Heaven – wow. I could never wish them back on this earth to endure the pain and heartache and trials of this life. ESPECIALLY when so many of them would be raised in heartbreaking situations where they’d probably never get to know my Jesus who loves the little children. (Remind me once again what we are “saving” them from?)

I’m in Kenya now, where abandoned babies are a normal everyday thing. Most likely very correlated to the fact that abortion is illegal. So the alternative? Have the baby but then leave it behind. Perhaps because it’s a street child having a baby at far too young of an age, or it’s a heartless person who doesn’t care, or it’s a family who can’t afford to feed their child… Either way, I’m now at a children’s home where I meet all these abandoned babies and I get to read their files and then I get heartsick from the overwhelming tragedy…
A tiny hours-old child still attached to the placenta, found in a sack by the side of the road. A month-old little girl found in a pit latrine, miraculously perfectly fine and healthy. Another baby rescued from a trash heap. A baby boy given up by his teenage mother because it was a case of incest (rape).
A little boy a year old, left at a neighbors’ house by his father who promptly disappeared. I was here when he arrived for intake. I listened to his terrified screams, knowing he wanted his mother and had no idea what was happening. I watched his heart break and his never-ending tears stream down his chubby cheeks, and I cried with him. I felt his little arms wrap around my neck and his face buried in my chest, as he clung to me for comfort. I see his face crumple into renewed sobs every morning when I leave the room after morning feedings. I hear his wails from across the courtyard every night when I leave his crib.
All these children facing a life of knowing they were unwanted, unloved, or castaways… After hearing their cries of being left behind, I could never think that this is a better life than if they’d gone straight to Heaven.

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Lesson 5: Christians are completely missing the point.

The point is not about making a political statement. Since when do we think it is? We are supposed to be strangers and pilgrims in this world, so why do we fight so hard to try to create a political worldview that aligns with ours?

To every Christian who proclaims to be pro-life (and I mean EVERY.SINGLE.ONE. Yes, looking at YOU) – I have one question: how many children have you welcomed into your life? I’m talking foster care, adoption, big-brother/sister programs, mentoring, discipleship, opening your home, neighborhood involvement, etc.

Jesus told us to care for the orphans and the fatherless. (He never told us to make sure we vote pro-life). How are we doing on that command, church?

I don’t care how many abortions you prevent, if you’re not also preventing those babies from growing up in poverty, homelessness, abuse situations, and darkness.

IF WE ARE NOT WILLING TO LAY DOWN OUR LIVES IN SERVICE TO THESE CHILDREN, WE HAVE NO GROUNDS TO TALK ABOUT “SAVING” THE BABIES.

^ Read that last paragraph again.

^^ And again.

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And with that, I will close.

Jesus loved the little children and called them unto Himself. Do you?

I hope you never find me on a political soap box of voting someone in just because of their stance on abortion. If I’m ever up there, please knock me off… And put me back in this place of continual bottles, messy diapers, and crying babies. This place of going home with milk stains all over my clothes from 5 babies in a row throwing up after their bottle, and smelling like I’m wearing a wet diaper myself (lol). This place of giving more of myself than what feels comfortable. This place of loving the babies when I don’t feel like it and when I’m tired and when it’s not fun anymore. This place where I see Jesus loving the children in the most unexpected moments. This place where I have learned so much.

This is the place and experience I want to guide my actions.

Because this is the place where I’ve seen just how truly the topic of abortion is rooted in something so much deeper.

It’s so much more than a political stance. It’s about being willing to love people the way Jesus told me to, even when it’s hard and messy.

~sending love to every human tonight,
>>S.R.B ❤

On Kindness

“Hey, I’m sorry to disturb you – but I just wanted to make sure you’re ok. You looked sad – are you alright?”

A young man stood in front of me. In one glance, he was easily identifiable as a techy freshman. He had the cute geek look, with a host of unruly dark curls, those sensitive eyes that see too much, boxy glasses, and just enough awkwardness to be absolutely adorable. 

I wanted to cry. Not because I was having a hard day (I was doing quite well, actually); but because I was so deeply touched by the fact that a perfect stranger cared that much.

“Is there anything in particular that I could pray for you about? Would you like me to pray for you now?”

I wasn’t sure exactly what to say. I mean, yeah, my life is always pretty complex. And both in my personal and professional world, I carry enough stories and burdens that there is always a potential for sadness if dwelt upon. However, my professors do a fantastic job at sharing our burdens both in and out of the classroom, as well as teaching us to allow our close friends in to provide support as well. And of course I’ve learned a lot about self-care. [Why else do you think I allow myself to budget a portion of every stimulus check for a weekly coffee shop date with myself? ;)] … If he had glimpsed sadness on my face, it was probably because I was watching several graphic tragic videos relating to our current class topics. [and everybody who knows me well knows how I am sooooooo emotionally affected by anything I watch/listen to. ha. the joys of being empathetic] But I wasn’t going to dump that on him. So I thanked him for the concern and steered the conversation towards a more normal “get-to-know-you” topic. I discovered that yes, sure enough, he’s a Cine/Production major. And his dream is to one day produce films that weave in Gospel themes, to impact people who have possibly never seen Jesus before. How cool. His passion and excitement were palpable, although right now he feels lucky just to be allowed to help control lights on a set. After a while, he’d removed his mask and we were laughing about power outages and being locked out of campus buildings at 2 AM. By the time he left, I felt like I’d gained yet another new friend. 

All because of his kindness.

I sat there pondering just how fortunate I am to continually be surrounded by so many kind people, and just why it always impacts me so much to witness genuine kindness. 

I remembered all the times I’ve lost friends when I let someone know I was going through a hard time, and I found out by their lack of support that they really didn’t care all that much. (or maybe they just didn’t have time). 

I realized that they weren’t very kind, and they lost my trust.

I was thrown back to an incident from years ago at a church in Canada, that I had forgotten about long ago. The youth group practiced diligently in preparation for a week of upcoming summer church meetings; I was quietly notified just before the meetings started that because I wasn’t a Christian, I wasn’t going to be part of the programs. I realized instantly that was the plan from the start, but they’d waited until the majority of the practices were over because they wanted me there so my musical skills and abilities could support my section of the choir. That was unkind. I felt so used. It hurt a lot. It had been a hard move as a young teen, and I’d already struggled to find a place although I had found a tiny handful of friends. And to this day, I struggle to trust any of the leadership there… The ironic thing about it? I was actually a Christian at the time, but I guess because I hadn’t started wearing a head covering and asked for baptism publicly it was assumed I wasn’t. To make it doubly ironic, I knew of several youth in the choir who were definitely not right with God at the time but because they looked right on Sunday morning, nobody questioned it… For months afterward, I would think about how if anyone in authority would have actually cared enough and taken the time to talk to me, I would have told them where I was at and what was going on. [it’s pretty obvious I don’t lack the ability to overshare, right? LOL] The conclusion of that story had the potential to turn out very differently, and make an entirely different impact on my life and my view of the church. 

All it would have taken was kindness.

So, what does it mean to be kind? 

I don’t think there’s only one template of how to be a kind human being.

I have a dear brother who checks in on me mentally on a regular basis. I can know that if I’m ever in a dark scary place, he’s going to answer the phone and pray for me head to toe. [literally. which yes, can get very weird. but it also works so no complaints here.] That is one of the greatest kindnesses any human being has ever shown to me.

I have another dear brother, who is one of the biggest examples of generosity I know. He gives extravagantly and without record of whether someone “deserves” it or not. He might never be able to intuitively know that someone is hurting, but he gives without question when presented with a physical need. That kind of generosity only comes from a God-given heart of kindness.

I live on a campus where it is perfectly normal to be prayed over multiple times in a day. It’s also a normal occasion, no matter where you go in this place, to come across random circles of people with joined hands praying over a friend or something that is heavy on someone’s heart. That willingness to pause in any activity and any part of the day to lift someone before the Father, I consider an act of kindness.

I could go on and on. Maybe for ever. I love telling stories about the kindness I’ve seen. 🙂 

I think in general, kindness boils down to two things: genuine love, and sacrifice. 

On my way to Agape Center where I volunteer, I often pray that God would grant me three things that day as we seek to minister to all those who enter our doors: the eyes to see, the heart to love, and the willingness to take the time. 

(Because as much as being the recipient of kindness touches me, I think being the giver of kindness brings me even more joy.) 

Recently I stepped into my supervisor’s role for a week while she was away on vacation. It was a blast, because organization and delegation are pretty natural skills for me that I rarely get to use in the role of leadership. It’s usually really hard to phase me when I’m in charge. But I am aware that in my precision and attention to detail in keeping everything running smoothly, it can be easy for me not to slow down enough to notice the person or need right in front of me. So I really prayed that week God would keep me aware and I would not lose focus on the details that really matter – the human beings around me. 

>>>

I came around the corner and was faced with Ms. Tina*, who was next in line to be ushered into the back for clothing, toiletries, & food services. She presented as visibly upset and impatient; and honestly my first instinct was to ignore her, glance at her charts, and just come back once I had an opening for her so I could pass her off to the next volunteer without facing potential conflict. You wanna know why? #1, I guess I’m as selfish as the next person. [surprise, surprise] #2, maybe because the possibility of her being upset at the wait time struck at an insecurity that I wasn’t doing a perfect job while in charge. [oooof]. My field instructor’s voice rang in my head “It [our job] is NEVER about us as the social worker – it is always about the client in front of us, no matter what the external presenting situation or conflict might be… Making it about ourselves is 1) unethical, 2) unprofessional, 3) selfish, & 4) a coping mechanism.” [Double oof]. I might also possibly have heard God’s little nudging in my conscience as I paused a moment. So I looked at Ms. Tina, smiled, and asked “Hello, Ms. Tina! How are you today?” She trembled a bit and fumbled with her hands and had no return smile. (oh boy. Here it comes. She’s going to rant about having to wait even though she barely got back here within the last 5 minutes!) “Well, to be honest, my anxiety is really bad today. I’m not feeling so great… I’m a little claustrophobic right now.” My heart did a complete 180 as I reached for her charts. I don’t struggle with physical symptoms of anxiety myself, but I have multiple friends who really do. “I’m really sorry to hear that. It looks like you aren’t stopping in the clothing rooms today, so let me see what I can do. I’ll be back as soon as I can.” In less than a minute I was able to confirm a volunteer was available, and return to escort her back. As I went on with my duties, I was struck by how quickly I’d made assumptions about the reason for someone’s agitation, and how easily I could have missed the opportunity to show empathy… Minutes later as I was using a free moment to organize restock in the back room, I caught a few faint phrases from down the hall “Do you all have Gatorade today?” I recognized the voice of Ms. Tina. Our volunteer replied in the negative with an apology. I make it my job to know pretty much every item on our shelves and in the stock room every day I’m there, so I ran a visual through my head hoping the volunteer was wrong. No…nope…no, BUT – I grabbed a case of drinks and went to find the source of the conversation. “Ms. Tina, sadly it’s true we don’t have Gatorade right now… but I do have these Vita drinks if you’re interested. They’re coconut flavored, but if that’s fine, you can have them if you want.” Her eyes welled up with tears and for a horrifying moment I thought she was going to collapse on the floor in a puddle. [I’m a female myself, but I really don’t do so well with crying females lollllll. Do I hold their hand? Feed them chocolate? Offer solutions? I really don’t know. I always feel like I greatly identify with the unknowing male gender in those moments haha]. “Oh, thank you so much. That is absolutely just perfect. Thank you. That is so kind of you. That’s just what I need. Thanks so much!” [I don’t do so well with knowing how to accept compliments either, so I scurried off to resume my duties as soon as I could, but…] That encounter with Ms. Tina stayed the highlight of my entire week. How kind of you. I thought about that a lot.

What nobody knew in that moment except me, was that my supervisor had told me just last week how those particular drinks were so unpopular she moved them to the backstock to make room for other items we received. So most likely I was one of the only people who even knew we had them. Knowing God’s track record at Agape, He probably saved them just for Ms. Tina in that moment. He does stuff like that all the time. But He needs people to work in accordance with His great kindness. And if I hadn’t stopped to listen, see, and hear the real need of Ms. Tina’s heart, I would have missed out on the opportunity to show kindness and witness one more instance of God’s huge, miraculous, never-ending love. I almost did. (Miss it, I mean.) And all because it’s easier to focus on myself instead of the human being right in front of my face. And also because I was almost too busy.

Isn’t that one of our greatest downfalls? We’re just too busy – with church, with work, with our lives, with our families, or even with our “ministry” – to see the opportunities presented to us every.single.day.

That one Liberty kid, and countless others on my campus, have taught me by example what it means to be kind. To take the time to see, and to be willing to take the time to care. 

By the time I grow up, I want to be just like them. ❤  

2021 has the potential to be a year of healing, after a year of global chaos. It starts with us. 

Let’s start a new global trend, shall we?

#BeKind

Together, we can be the lights that cannot be hid.

I am so deeply thankful that God cares enough about me – who is NOT a naturally kind person [just ask any of the people I tormented as a kid. lol. talk about endless stories I could tell, yikes] – to teach me about kindness so gently. He is so gracious to so kindly change us from the selfish humans we so naturally are, as we follow His nudgings one little step at a time. 

Let’s not lose focus of what it means to be witnesses of His love and power in changing lives. 

Be Kind.

~Just Me~

*obviously, name changed to avoid sharing identifying information

A Child’s Goodbye

*****trigger warning*****
*suicide, depression, abuse, & self-harm are mentioned*

My daddy hit me today
He threw me in the closet.
I don’t know what I did wrong
I just wish that he would love me
He says I’m just a worthless kid
a weird and bad mistake
and that life would be much better
If I wouldn’t be around.

I look for something to help me
Fulfill my daddy’s wish
Maybe if I left him
He could live a happy life
So I wait until dark
and my daddy’s gone to bed
I know where he keeps his gun
The one I should never touch

But after this he’ll be happy
He can’t hit me no more
So I put my finger on the trigger
The barrel to my heart
but before I move my finger
I think of what I’d say
If I had the chance to talk
and my daddy would listen
I’d say sorry I’m this way
sorry I can’t be the best
that I asked for things you couldn’t give
But did I ever ask for much?
All I wanted was your love
a hug and kiss would do
But all I ever got from you
was cruel words or a new bruise
I understand it’s somehow my fault
Although I never meant it
So that’s why I’ll say goodbye
and let you live your life
I just wish it could have been different

No more hesitancy
I know my fate
and if there’s a God
I hope He’ll have mercy
and let me see
something other than
this darkness.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I wrote this about 6 years ago, and it was one of the most healing things I’ve ever done. It was the first time I was able to openly express what it’s like to actually want to die, and think about my last words.

{Now, just to be perfectly clear, the scenario of an abused child is not me. I just happened to read a book around that time in which I was so captured by the main character’s story I was able to use the horrific grief to unlock my own memories and feelings of facing death… Don’t worry. My dad definitely never beat me up and locked me in the closet. Also he’s one of the last people ever to own a gun. :D}
… I have actually spent hours in closets but that is my own choice. 😉 Am I the only odd person who thinks that sitting in dark closet corners is strangely therapeutic? Being enclosed by walls is weirdly relaxing, IMO. [Sometimes I think I’m more sensory than I realize…]

Anyway. As someone who has faced the desire to commit suicide myself, I have great understanding for others who face that as well. I especially have great compassion for kids who are at that point. I think as a child, to be at a place of so much pain where you beg for death, is so horrifically tragic in more ways than one. I know for myself, I really did believe the world would be better off without me. I knew that killing yourself was supposed to be “wrong” and so I felt scared and guilty for desiring to die, but I had no words (or courage) to ever try and talk to anyone about it. Also, kids are incredibly resilient. I think I really tried to believe on the good days that being depressed was something I could just “get over” if I tried hard enough. Of course as a 7 year old, you don’t really even have the clear comprehension of that thought process itself.

I am not sure exactly why I’m sharing this tonight and posting it in the middle of a series (and seriously interrupting my organized brain flow!), but the above script popped into my memory last week and has become heavier on my heart by the day. I couldn’t ignore it and leave it in my drafts any longer. I guess there’s one person, somewhere out there, who needs to hear this. [and thanks @Hannah Brencher, for the reminder in the Monday emails to shine the light and speak God’s movings just for that one]

And for you, that one who is facing the darkness, I have so many things I’d like to say but at the same time I’m unsure of how to do it…

First off, it’s OK to say “I want to die.” I know what it’s like. It’s a real thing. It’s a real feeling, and should not be disregarded. And how will I know the depth of the darkness you’re in if you don’t tell me? Please share the demons you’re facing, so that we can face them together. You don’t have to be alone.

I don’t know what’s causing your pain. I don’t know if you’re young or you’re old. I don’t know if you’re regretting your own mistakes. I don’t know if you’re feeling like a failure and unable to provide for those you love. I don’t know if you’re reaping the consequences of someone else’s sin against you. I don’t know if you’re just hurting from the brokenness of the world. I don’t know if you’re grieving the loss of a loved one. I don’t know if you’re trying to heal from a break-up. I don’t know. I maybe don’t know anything about you. But, there is a lot I DO know.

I do know that God created YOU, specially and uniquely.

I do know that God created you with PURPOSE.

I do know that my God has cried tears right along with every bit of your pain. [Ever wonder why it endlessly rains so much at times?]

I do know that you are valuable and loved. [by someone, somewhere, even if you maybe don’t feel it from those you are currently surrounded by. if that’s you, find safety please – a community who does love you with a radical Jesus love]

I do know that this world is not better off without you.

I do know that it’s not your fault that you feel unloved / worthless / useless. (you’re not just “messed up”)

I know that hearing this once probably won’t convince you, but know that your life is of value far beyond what you could imagine. God’s Son died for you that you might have life, and that you might have it abundantly. So in His eyes, you are treasured and you are so, so utterly priceless.

You might be thinking you’re a complete screw-up, but I wish for just a moment you could catch a glimpse of yourself reflected in your Father’s eyes. I promise, you would never be the same. The truth about what He thinks of you will wipe away the deceit and lies that you are believing about yourself.

So, wherever you are… with your fake happy smiles, or your endless unseen tears as you lie in bed, or your bruised body hiding underneath baggy clothes, or your sliced arms and legs dripping blood on the bathroom floor… tonight I’m praying that you will feel the Father’s tender embrace and experience comfort. And I’m praying that He will send people to sit with you, cry with you, and love on you during these hellish days.

#hope

It’s possible.

I am a living example of Jesus turning the ashes of my life into a channel of redemption.

Consider this me holding your hand while we sing Head Above Water (Avril Lavigne).

❤
~Sarah

P.S. don’t ever listen to Head Above Water unless you’re ready to bawl your eyes out(:

Nonresistance: Part 4 – the military

I decided a discussion of the army would be the next installment of this series, in honor of Memorial Day and July 4th celebrations during the summer months. After all, a serious consideration of nonresistance absolutely has to include a special look at this particular aspect, am I right?

I have long found the military to be a bit hard to talk about at times, for several reasons. I have friends on very opposing sides of this and as it’s a hot topic it can be a little scary. But I do think it’s important to be able to talk about the hard things, so here goes. 🙂

There seem to be two very opposing sides of Christians when it comes to the military. Either they are nonresistant and look at the military with great dislike, or they are incredibly patriotic and consider being a soldier to be the greatest honor possible.

I do have two great concerns when it comes to the topic of military.
And of course, it’s one fear on either side. 😉

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I will start off with the concern I have on the side of my many nonresistant Anabaptist friends. There’s a few I would really like to shake by the ear and scream at until my face is blue.
YOU OUGHT TO HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR THE MILITARY BECAUSE EACH OF THOSE MEN AND WOMEN ARE THE REASON YOU EVEN HAVE THE CHOICE OF NOT FIGHTING FOR YOUR COUNTRY. Also, they are showing you the greatest possible love by being willing to lay down their life for you!

For real guys, Jesus Himself said that no man has greater love than to lay down his life for his friends. And each of those individuals in the army has taken a solemn promise to protect YOU with their own life. So if you see military out and about, you better by all means show them some respect, thank them for their service, and maybe you could even go a step farther and buy their lunch if they’re in the drive-thru behind you. [And BTW, if some of you have a problem thanking them for their “service”, I have a brilliant Biblical solution. You could just say thanks for having such great love for me. See? A completely Biblical response! You’re welcome;)]

At this point in life, I understand why so many people consider joining the army to be of the greatest honor.
I have personally gotten to know military men who far surpass the men in church when it comes to integrity, honor, compassion, and courage. I would trust these soldiers with my literal physical life, and I also normally trust them in other areas of life. I know that their commitment to protect and serve means that they will help others in need. They are not afraid of putting themselves in danger, and their character of service and sacrifice means they are available if I come knocking on their door. Sadly, many church men are only as courageous or honorable as they can be without breaking church politics or without “disturbing the peace”, and rarely are they available to anyone outside of their small circle. Where are you, men of God? Shame on you who look down your nose on the man willing to give his life for you and your family, while you yourself are unwilling to sacrifice even a bit of uncomfortableness or time to stand in integrity for an orphan, a widow, the overlooked, an abuse victim, an outsider, or someone being trod under the feet of those in church power.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now I will turn my focus to the other concern I have: if you are a believer, I question how it is possible to give your utter allegiance to the army of the government when your ultimate allegiance should belong to God’s army.
Perhaps you do not find it difficult to imagine yourself defending your country from terrorists and evil rulers. But what if those missions include hurting innocent women and children in Afghanistan, when Jesus tells us to protect the orphan and the widow? What if your commander tells you to leave the wounded child bleeding on the street in Iraq, when Jesus teaches us to extend healing? What will you do when you face a decision between God’s way or the president’s way?

I think perhaps part of the answer lies in a very key principle my Ethics professor taught us. As social workers, we too are committed to follow the expectations of our government. As Christians, sometimes even the well-meaning expectations (such as providing abortion information to a client) may conflict with our personal convictions.
“Know your sword.”
In other words, if you have truly committed your life to the Most High King, you must live with the awareness that you will face situations where the kingdom of this world asks of you something you cannot in good conscience do. And knowing your sword means that you are knowingly firm on what you believe, ready to fall on your sword (willing to lose your job, face material/earthly consequences, etc.) when the time comes.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

*Personally, I think the question of motive can really come into play as well. One of my best friends joined the military a while back. I walked through the entire consideration process alongside her, and perhaps surprisingly to some of you:), I supported her decision. I still do. 🙂
If you feel that God is calling you to Social Work, into the military, to be a lawyer, or any other place where some people may advise against because of the possibility of conflicting allegiance – don’t let that fear in itself stop you. I wholeheartedly believe that being outside of God’s will in a “safe” profession is, in fact, far MORE dangerous than being inside God’s will, no matter how “dangerous” that place may be.
But, at the same time, do consider it very carefully. Are you pursuing a path simply because you want to? Are you chasing your own dream or are you chasing God’s dream for you? Are you entering the military because you see it as a path of glory? The greatest passion should always be to bring glory to our God, no matter what we do.

I do find it sad that it seems so many Anabaptist-raised boys have such a fascination and adoration for the military. Why do I think it is sad? I find it sad because I wonder how they will have time to serve in God’s army full-time if they are serving our country. [Because anybody who has friends in the military knows they don’t seem to have time for anything much by the time the drills and bells end. :P] And I also wonder if they love God’s call for their life as much as they love the idea of following the army’s call.

But of course, perhaps it is our own (the church’s) fault that our boys are looking at the army for purpose and fulfillment. I believe God created men to be warriors, leaders, and defenders. But if we do not give our boys anything to do, how are they supposed to passionately fill those God-given drives?
In my own church, I’ve seen again and again how many fathers are so focused on having their sons work in the family business or help with family projects – which is great. But what if these same fathers were just as passionate about setting an example of service to widows, the elderly, and the general community? What if we had an entire church wholeheartedly embracing the call of bringing justice to the widow, evangelizing the lost, clothing the poor, and giving homes to the orphans?

I do community service at a local ministry several days per week, and my absolute favorite thing this summer has been the handful of teenage boys who come in to help. COVID has been tough on the kids – no school, no sports, no hangouts, nothing to do. Well, instead of sitting at home on their video games or watching movies, these boys come in every day we are open to volunteer their time. I absolutely love seeing them interact with the clients and work hard loading vehicles, stocking shelves, folding bags, or doing whatever needs to be done. It brings such delight to my heart because I can only imagine what assets they will be in the kingdom of God throughout their life, having learned the joy of servanthood at an age where many teens do not get to experience that feeling of being a part of something much bigger than yourself and your own little world.

So… in conclusion…
No, I would most likely never feel peace to personally join the military. I feel called to be a full-time servant-witness, and so I would not be able to give the army all that time and energy. I also would not be able to take someone’s life just because the army told me to. Also, as a social worker, one of the moral rules I live by is “do not cause harm”. War, which involves soldiers, causes many people much harm. I once asked my professor who is both a social worker and a soldier how it is possible to merge the two. “It’s not. I have two separate identities. When I am a soldier, I turn off my social worker and store it in a box on the shelf until my return.” I don’t think I could ever do that. I don’t think I could ever box up who I am as a Christian and who I am as a social worker, in order to be a soldier and follow orders no matter what they are.
However, at the same time, I am thankful for the Christians who are in the military because God needs people available to use everywhere and can you imagine how much worse the corruption in government/military would be if there were no people of God there whatsoever?

I think I’ll leave it at that for now. How do you feel about serving in the military as a Christian? I’d love to hear from you. 🙂 Feel free to leave a comment or shoot me an email.

As always, I hope you remember to be kind. Especially in these days, the world desperately needs to see some love. So go out there and shine. ❤
~S.B.

Nonresistance: Part 3 – beyond the cloak

There is something that has fascinated me in my long study of this topic: the lack of variety in the Bible verses used to lay the foundation for a defense of a nonresistant belief.
Many of us are familiar with the most common ones quoted:
“You shall not murder.” (Exodus 20:13, ESV)
“… if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:39b, ESV)
“… love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…” (Matthew 5:44, ESV)

In the previous post, [https://warrior4thewounded.home.blog/2020/04/05/nonresistance-part-2-justice/], I talked about the distinction I see between killing (as in murder) and justice, which pretty much covers the 10 Commandments reference. So in this post, I will dive into the turning the other cheek principle while we look at the Matthew passage.

As I read over the entire Bible in a short while and spent several weeks reading one Gospel after the other, I was struck by a few simple questions:
What does Jesus’ actual life – words as well as actions – say about nonresistance?
Is there any possibility that those “popular” nonresistant verses are sometimes used as the only context for a belief that they were not intended to be solely the basis of?
What does it actually mean to live a “turning the other cheek” lifestyle?

When discussing the topic of nonresistance, the New Testament references in Matthew may be the most important verses of all, since a lot of Anabaptists would really push the “new covenant replaces the old covenant” agenda. So let’s make sure we actually know what we are referencing.

We will begin with the Matthew 5:38-42 passage, which is a small section labeled “Retaliation” in my ESV Bible.
“You have heard that it was said ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’; but I say unto you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.”
The other parallel passage found in the NT would be Luke 6:29-30, as part of the “Love Your Enemies” section.
“To one who strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from one who takes away your cloak, do not withhold your tunic either. Give to everyone who begs from you, and from one who takes away your goods do not demand them back.
Now, before I say anything about what this NT passage seems to be saying in context, let’s go back to the “eye for an eye” Old Testament verses referenced by Jesus.

>>>>>

Exodus 21:23-25 (ESV): But if there is harm, then you shall pay life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.
Leviticus 24:19-20: If anyone injures his neighbor, as he has done it shall be done to him, fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; whatever injury he has given a person shall be given to him.
Deuteronomy 19:21: Your eye shall not pity. It shall be life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.
I find it so weird to study these Old Testament references in context, because for some reason I can’t seem to remember any message on nonresistance ever doing this. [It could be that my memory is just bad, but on the other hand the references are unique enough I feel like I should remember…]
The Exodus passage is talking about what should happen when fighting guys happen to hit a pregnant woman, causing her baby to arrive. [Why the world did God even have to make a rule for this??! Take it outside, man!! Why are you even fighting in the same room as the pregnant lady?!] This little paragraph is stuck into a whole entire section concerning laws in dealing with slaves. So possibly it was said in reference to slaves fighting in confined quarters where innocent people would get injured? Who really knows. But anyway, it seems to quite possibly be said in context of “property” since that’s what the child seems to be regarded as.
The Leviticus passage seems to stand on its own. However, it is sandwiched in a story about a half-Israelite boy who blasphemed “the Name” while fighting an Israelite man. God included the eye for eye talk while handing down judgement about anyone who blasphemes.
The Deuteronomy passage is written in regards to false witnesses. God proclaimed that whatever a false witness wished to have happened to his brother, is what should be done to him. [what’s that saying about Karma? :D]

So. What I questioned as I studied the context of where the “eye for an eye” phrase came from, is how did Matthew 5:38 become such a solid pillar for a complete nonresistant stance when it comes to a belief of “no taking a human life, ever”? Because here’s the weird thing – in Leviticus, both before and after the “eye for an eye” verse, there are separate verses targeting the consequence of taking a life. This suggests to me that when Jesus mentioned the “eye for an eye”, He was more likely referring to the whole concept of physical retaliation for physical hurt, rather than specifically targeting the subject of murder. It just seems logical to me that if He was saying “I want you to remove/ignore the consequences for murder“, He would have just outright said that and referred to Leviticus 24 verse 17 or 21 instead. Because killing someone is a lot more serious than slapping or punching them, right? It wouldn’t be like God at all to make such a “mistake” in His OT reference to a “wrong verse”. [I am absolutely up for a discussion on this, so please correct me if you disagree. :)]

But ok. Enough with the time travel back into the OT. Now, before y’all go all machine-gun on me for laying a foundation for the context of nonresistance on the sandy soil of the Old Law [note the sarcasm], let’s go back to the Matthew passage itself and look at that context all on its own. [good luck with ignoring that now-nagging context of the dear babies being born cross-eyed and with clubbed feet and crippled hands, just because some brawling brutes accidentally hit their poor little pregnant mama]

>>>>>

“You have heard that it was said ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth’; but I say unto you, do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who begs from you, and do not refuse the one who would borrow from you.”

-Matthew 5:38-42

Really, I feel like the passage pretty much speaks for itself. But I guess we are here to think and dissect, so I’ll keep talking (typing) about context. [sigh. my hands grow weary]
Once again, I find it odd that if Jesus was specifically referencing how to react in situations of intentional murder, He didn’t actually say that. What does a slap on the cheek or having your Gucci coat stolen have to do with the crazy gunman committing mass murder at a school? Facing someone in court trying to take your belongings or the sibling asking for money you know they’ll never return, just isn’t on the same level as staring down a murderer in the eye.

I also find it to be very telling that Jesus DID already address the issue of killing in this very chapter, back in verse 21. He since moved on through other subjects.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

All that contextual study of the “eye for an eye” reference landed my heart at a very unexpected third conclusion: our favorite Matthew 5:38 verse is not, in fact, referencing specifically how we should react to a killer.

So. Wow. If you’re feeling anything like me, it may be that you just saw an entire pillar of your belief system crumble to dust. And maybe you even now look at me through the haze as the terrorist who planted a bomb, with the intent to destroy you/your faith/Anabaptism/nonresistance at its core.

But wait, please, for a moment longer. Just because I dug down to seemingly find the foundation of Anabaptist nonresistance is mostly made up of a red herring (a philosophy term for inconsistent arguments), does not mean that building a new pillar on top of that red herring to disprove nonresistance will bring a better resolve. That is not my intent.

Rather than using this red herring episode as an excuse to answer the taking a life to avenge/save lives question and focusing on the ultimate debate of what would you do if…?, why don’t we take a Jesus moment and take it past our own human argument and reach for the heart of Jesus throughout this entire chapter of Matthew.

First, let’s look at the verses 21 -22 that do address the issue of killing: “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be liable to judgement.’ But I say unto you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgement; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says ‘You fool!’ will be liable to hell fire.”
It’s easy to claim I would never kill someone. But how seriously do we take Jesus’ words about anger? Like really? Jesus states here that far beyond a murderous act itself, just the act of anger is liable to the same judgement of murder. And sure, we’ve all heard sermons about controlling our anger…
But a side word to all the fathers as an example of how important this really is: how seriously does it strike you in the heart to realize that when you provoke your children to anger (Eph. 6:4), the same judgement as murder is involved in the eyes of our holy God? Just as you would be charged by the law with accessory to manslaughter if you goaded your child to commit murder, just so does God judge you for your part in provoking them to anger.
Wow. Jesus never sets the bar low, does He? 🙂 We see here that as always, rather than replacing the complicated laws of the OT with “easier” NT phrases, He in fact goes far beyond the simple outward control of physical actions and cuts into our very motives and heart.

Now, let’s go back to the original question of verses 38 – 42: what does it mean to “turn the other cheek”?

What would it look like to live a lifestyle of turning the other cheek, and giving your cloak to the man who robs you?
Do we succeed in that?

It might be easy when the boy in Sunday school steals your child’s candy and you tell your children to show love in return. But what about when the salesman purposely sells you a car worth far less and with many more problems than he claimed? And…now that same man has come to buy a shed from you. Will all men see that you are a living example of Jesus by the way you graciously offer to give him a discount for being a veteran? …And ladies, when Karen* is forever allowing her chickens loose into your yard where they leave a mess – and then comes demanding you pay for the one your dog chased off your property because “it’s now mentally unstable and won’t lay eggs anymore”: will you deliver her some fresh cinnamon rolls next time you bake?

What does it really mean to claim to live a nonresistant lifestyle? A life where we allow others to “do us wrong”, mistreat us, and take advantage of us – and all we do is just shower love in return.

Ah, us wonderful hypocrites.

There’s that one verse – yes, that particular one we like to brush away – that says we will be known by our love.

And yet, what are we so often known for?

Church politics. Church cliques. Church “shunning”. Church splits. Churches judging. Churches name-calling. Churches telling the sinner to come back after he’s been washed. [Tell me, if you’re the source of the fountain, where else is he supposed to get clean?]

Maybe, just maybe, I have to consider that a lifestyle of loving my enemies includes a life of loving the sister who interprets the covering as a Mennonite cap, and loving the brother who drives a more brightly colored vehicle. [obviously I’m really reaching here for examples because I realize that somehow I’m not even sure what churches always fight about HAHA]

“Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” Hmmm. Is that why just getting along with your brothers and sisters in Christ seems to be the hardest of all? [the fact that they seem to have the capacity to be your greatest enemy of all]

I wonder, how I wonder, if Jesus was simply talking about our normal lives when He said turn the other cheek, give away your cloak, and love and pray for those who hurt you. Quite possibly, yes, He was hoping to prepare us for the day when it was the neighbor trying to steal our land or the gunman threatening to kill us. But also quite possibly, we won’t be ready for that day if we already struggle with the fact that Linda* seems to always get first choice in what day to bring food to the new mom. [Because, isn’t it always the little things in life that decide the later big things?]

I encourage you to dig deeper than the glib “I believe in nonresistance” answer you hope to put on your draft call one day, and figure out what Jesus is really calling you to in Matthew 5. Next time you end up on the wrong side of a deal, and before you fight for your personal rights, ask Jesus how He would have you respond.

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Principle 3: A “turning the other cheek” lifestyle refers to a willingness to forgo personal rights: allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of materially and physically, responding to unkindness with love, and giving possessions unreservedly.
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Ok, personal sharing time now since I should probably be honest and real about my own failures in this area. 🙂 I faced this whole issue in a very real way twice last fall – an insurance company who did not give me the full value of my totaled car, and a boss who ended up paying me less than minimum wage for the hours I worked.
I won’t go into details because that would be a long story, but in the insurance episode I fought internally for a very long time that this isn’t fair! But as I cried out to God with the whole why did this happen to me?? I only got one answer in reply: stop trying to force them to make it right. Accept it. Leave it to Me. Do you trust Me to care for you?
The failed job experience was difficult momentarily, but for some reason my heart found peace much more quickly. I’d love to say it was because I learned my lesson from the insurance episode, but honestly, I feel that most of all God just gave me much grace.
With the insurance company episode, I learned that stressing about my rights wasn’t worth it and did zero zilch nothing to fix the situation. And with the underpaid job episode, I learned that not receiving the expected income was really not that stressful in the long run when I just accepted that what was “owed me” stood between the boss and God – why did I have to worry over something that wasn’t my problem? [Such a peaceful place to be, really. Made me wish I’d given up fighting in the insurance episode a lot sooner, as I’m sure my high blood pressure raised my risk of heart failure by at least 5%.] … and far beyond the simple lessons about submitting my personal rights and “ownership” to God’s control, I learned many more various things which are too numerous to recount here at this time!

[[[Regarding whether I’ve actually taken this mini nonresistance sermon to heart personally… I suppose the real question is, if I met the insurance agent on the street, would she experience love from me? Ahh, now that’s a tough one. I’m still a work in progress. 😉 Maybe by the time I make it back to PA someday, God will have wrought a great miracle in my heart towards her.]]]

>>>>>

Is this really only Part 3? (There’s still 3 more drafts in-progress). It kinda took me forever. I have prayed, pondered, erased, rewrote – for hours and days upon end – and still, I fear this post is a jumble of words that fail to convey my heart properly. But may God use it to spawn a greater search in each of us as to what it means to be a truly loving people, beyond a cloak of claiming “nonresistance”.

~S.B.

*Disclaimer: for anyone who thinks I’m referring to the literal Karens and Lindas I know – LOL, no. It’s a cliche. A joke.

We interrupt this series for… COVID-19

“You were born, for such a time as this.”

Such a cliche, sometimes over-used phrase, right? But in reality, do you not believe it to be true? Because it is. Every one of us was born and placed on this earth purposefully by our God.

During this time of craziness and pandemic in our country, I’ve watched the responses of those around me with great interest.

On one side, there are those who are living in fear and isolation, convinced we must do everything in our power to stay “safe”. But what really is safety? I believe in an omnipotent sovereign God, so my life lies in His hands whether I shut myself into my home for a month or whether I fly to India and immerse myself in feeding the fleeing masses of migrant workers who have lost their jobs in the cities. (The stories of their plight are heart-breaking and ought to change our hearts from an attitude of fear, to one of compassion.)

On the other side, we have those who believe it all to be one big conspiracy theory planned by the Democrats to oust a Republican president, and therefore disregard the news and rules as much as possible. But what about the conspiracy that the virus was planted by a Communist China? Or what about the conspiracy theorist who swears it’s a bio-terrorism attack? [I mean they can’t all be true so how would I know which is the right theory to believe? hmmm, eeny-miny-mo, anyone? or would you rather go with rock-paper-scissors?]

And then, we have also have the side of half-respectful citizens who are mostly mourning the loss of their social life but also at the same time still getting married with more than 10 people in attendance, still visiting each others’ homes for “outdoor games/dinners” (“we practiced social distancing the whole time, promise!! okkkkkk…), and still trying desperately to arrange prayer meetings and church services that supposedly don’t break the stay-at-home order.

[Admittedly, I myself did visit a friend (singular human) about a week ago but since then read the latest order from the governor and realized I should not have even done that. Since then, I have even avoided the people that have shown up at the residence I currently reside in. Not out of fear, but because I do believe that my conscience would bother me if I am not following the law in whatever I easily can, like the Bible encourages me to. [And I can absolutely fairly easily avoid contact with humans for a few weeks. If I can live without seeing my family – especially my PERFECT PRECIOUS TALENTED MISCHIEVOUS BELOVED NEPHEW – more than twice a year, the rest of the world can surely wait till June!]
I do still leave my house guilt-free to buy groceries, sit on a mountain, complete school assignments at my campus, etc.; but I am trying to make sure all my trips are such as are allowed in Section 1 of the March 30th order.]

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What confuses me the most is not the choices people are making [hey, God gave us all free will so if you disregard the rules I’m gonna try not to pass judgement too hardcore; also we all have different definitions of practical application of any and all rules], but rather the consequences they’re screaming over when they get caught.

A church holds an open-air service where attendees stay in their cars, they get fined by the local police force, and then it gets spilled on the news as religious persecution and taking away our rights to have religious gatherings and discrimination and the cops are committing evil. Wait… what? Evil? Do I think it’s fair I got ticketed in VA for going 10 over because the lowered speed limit sign was hidden behind some bushes and unable to be seen through the traffic? Nah, for sure not. Still bitter about that one, although the cop was so charming I can hardly hang on to the bitter feelings. 😛 But still, the officer was doing his job – enforcing the law, which he didn’t make himself, BTW – and I did deserve the ticket in that sense. So I can’t judge him as committing evil works by writing me up. In the same way, right now there is a temporary stay-at-home order given by our governor in an effort to protect the American people, and so if we break that law — well, what right do we have to complain about “evil” if we end up getting fined?*

“It is unconstitutional to prohibit our gathering for religious reasons. It is immoral to prohibit us the freedom of leaving our homes. The government is overstepping its bounds.”
^ I’ve been hearing a lot of that on Social Media lately. ^
My question for you, then, is this: how is this any different than your fight to make abortion illegal? You loved Trump a year ago because you believe it is immoral for someone to abort a fetus. However, to someone who disagrees on a definition of life, personal rights, etc. it is immoral for you or the government to tell them what they can or cannot decide to do. Now Trump says you can’t physically meet for church (you can still meet online – and if your elderly don’t have access, by all means lend them the iPad you’re just using for gaming) just for a few weeks, and suddenly you’re all up-in-arms and angry about the government overstepping its bounds?*
Sorry, I just don’t get it. I don’t understand the inconsistency.
Honestly, it seems to me to perhaps boil down to feeling that our personal beliefs and moral standards are the right ones, by which all others should comply.*

Do I believe that we as believers should be examples in moral standards and raising the bar for the world to be influenced by our light? Yes, absolutely.

…But I have to wonder if being upset over a fine for hosting a religious function during this time is really a matter of moral belief, or just a matter of feeling slighted or inconvenienced. *

Love your neighbor. Your neighbor might be living in terror right now, because he does not have the hope of eternal life. How is fighting for the right to have a prayer meeting showing him love? You could be praying for him in the solitude of your own prayer closet [the Bible says it only takes 2 or 3 gathered, so it doesn’t have to go to 5, 7, 9 or 10+ individuals]… and then you could deliver a note to his mailbox that lets him know you’re just across the fence if he needs anything. You could even gown/glove/mask up, deliver a meal to his porch, ring the doorbell, and then quick dive off into the flowerbed before he steps out. [if anyone does this FR and IRL, please take and share a video! but not on TikTok because I’m not on there!]

Love your neighbor. To be honest, I am not sure at all what all the right answers are for us as a Christian community during this time. But we were born for this time, that I am sure of. Will we be known for our love? Or will we be known for civil disobedience and offense at our “rights” being removed? Will we be known for our service and for laying down our lives for our fellow man? Or will we be known for shutting up our “bowels of mercy”?

Love your neighbor. I have loved watching Agape (a local ministry I started volunteering with this year) navigate through this crisis. It’s been a lot of extra work and effort for them to follow the ever-changing guidelines – cut the daily volunteers to less than 10 at a time, postpone mentorship, move all the stock up the stairs and out into the garage, meet extra requests for food boxes, etc… But it is all done with joy and love, even if only 4 people spend the entire day doing what a crew of 15 could have done in 2 hours. Clients are being protected by not having any physical contact with Agape personnel, but they get a pre-packed box of food and toiletries delivered right to their car along with a letter of encouragement and prayers.
“Agape: loving our neighbors.”
This is what the example of loving my neighbor looks like for me. ❤

What does loving your neighbor look like for you?

I can’t answer that. 😉 But I do hope you give it some thought.

Love your neighbor.
Let’s be extra kind and considerate during this time of difficulty and crisis for so many.

Hugs, [from 6 ft away, of course]
~SRB

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Disclaimer: this is not intended to be an argument on whether civil disobedience is or is not required at times, nor is it at all a statement of my moral beliefs etc. It is simply an endeavor to consider more deeply the intents and motives of our hearts. 🙂
If you should like to discuss those things, feel free to comment/email/etc. 😀

Nonresistance: Part 2 – justice

Do you think the following should be legal?: abortion, marijuana, same-sex marriage, the death penalty…
These were just a few of the topics staring me in the face from the “pop quiz survey” our professor sprung on us in SOWK 101. All we had to was choose Yes, No, or Don’t Know. Fairly simple, right?
The topic of abortion, in my opinion, is far greater than the legal question [yes, I’ll write about that sometime – and hope to perhaps give you something new to think about] so I found it difficult to just choose one word to sum up my feelings on the matter.
Marijuana? Well, I guess I never put that much thought into whether I think it should or should not be legal since drugs are normally automatically classified as “bad”. I just always trusted the government on this one (HA imagine that!)…
Same-sex marriage? Ah, now that one’s easy. I know many people who struggle with approaching this topic, but I wrestled through this one years ago and am at the place in life where the legalities of this don’t phase me.
But then: the death penalty. Oof. That one left me staggering. Somehow in my naivety, I had never considered the reality of the death sentence in relation to taking someone’s life for the crimes they committed against others. What DID I think about it? You get what you deserve, right? But wait – didn’t I think it was wrong to end someone’s life? uh oh. My opposing values collided and I was left with some really, really intense pondering to do.

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I’ve been told as an Anabaptist what to believe about government (voting, justice, the military, etc.), but in most cases I’ve never really been told why. I began to question myself: should I automatically follow the beliefs of a man like Menno Simons, long dead and gone, or should I study what my still-living Savior speaks through His Word?

I started to think more deeply about the issue of government in relation to God’s Word. One of the first things I was reminded of was that God Himself set up the rules of justice and the government to enforce those rules. So I went back to where it all started with the Israelites and began my study… When He first gave the 10 commandments, it was simply “Thou shalt not kill.” But later, He goes on to explain that principle in greater depth in Deuteronomy 19 where He instructs His people to set up the cities of refuge. A murderer was to be put to death for his crime; but a man who accidentally killed someone had the opportunity to flee to a city of refuge and there, live out the rest of his days in safety (albeit in restriction and cut off from the life he once knew). Hmm. Fascinating. Sound familiar much? God literally created the first prison. Was it saving the man’s life? Absolutely. But did he live without consequences? Absolutely not. He now had to accept living in isolation and banishment.

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This brings us to the second conclusion my heart came to during this study of nonresistance: when God said “Thou shalt not kill”, He was referring to the taking of life without cause; justice is a distinct matter of its own.

I won’t bother delving into an extended conversation about who gets to determine and mete out justice, but I will leave a tidbit that I have found incredibly interesting to think about: have you ever noticed that the only person who was to take the life of a killer was the avenger of blood? I do think this fact should make us incredibly sober about feeling free to make the executive choice about who can or cannot take a life. [I guess for me personally, it would boil down to this question: has God declared me an avenger of blood?]
And once again, there is a distinction between a murderer and an accidental killer: the elders were responsible to hand over a murderer to the avenger of blood (“without pity”), while the accidental killer was to be left free to live in a city of refuge.

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There is so much more detail on justice throughout the rest of the OT for all different types of crime. But from these few snapshots it’s apparent that God Himself is the author of justice in this earthly world (despite the corruption that often infiltrates our governments today). And so, I came to recognize that even in my country currently, it is a God-given responsibility for those in authority to mete out justice.

Of course, we must never lose sight of mercy.

We see both justice and mercy played out in our salvation. Great mercy in that Christ paid the debt for our sin, granting us freedom — but the debt was not simply removed. It was paid for, with blood. That’s why we call it being ransomed — we were bought with a price. The sacrificial death of the Son of God, to pay for our death in sin. Justice served through mercy.

So to end for now, here is my second personal belief…
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Principle 2: God is a God of both justice and mercy. From the example of Christ on the cross, I see that I ought to lay down my life in extending mercy to my fellow man. But at the same time, it is not my place to judge those whom God has set in place to mete out His standards of justice.
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Hey peoples. Sorry this was such a long time in coming. I plan to be back on here more regularly the next while – but whoever would have guessed the upheaval our entire world is now encountering during this COVID-19 thing?! I hope you all are resting in the fact that our God is entirely sovereign so we have nothing to fear. And I also hope you’re all mostly following the government’s orders because I won’t be able to come visit you in jail till all this is over, ya know?

Stay safe, and know you are loved.

~S.R.B.

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